Guest writer, Michelle Lee, contributed this piece. In it, she reflects upon living six months without her sibling.
The last six months have taught me so much, however, the main thing I have learned is that grief is so much more than being sad.
Grief is an all-consuming state of mind. It is complete turmoil, denial, and frustration. It is an uncontrollable sadness. It is tiredness and exhaustion. It is sleepless nights but vivid dreams. It is hatred and jealousy. It is longing for the past and dreading the future. It tricks you into thinking you’re doing well and you have a normal few days then it comes back with vengeance. However once accepting these tricks you make the most of these good days.
It is about having good days, then feeling guilty soon afterward.
It is wondering whether I should buy him a Christmas present. It is not knowing whether to say "I have 3 siblings" or "I had 3 siblings but..."
It is also happiness, laughter and sometimes even dark humor. It is complete gratitude.
Grief has no time limits, in fact, I believe it is life long however as you accept it more you fight it less and work with it to find your new way in life.
We as a family received some clarity regarding Todd’s death at his inquest yesterday and I am now more determined than ever to work with my grief to become a better person and live life to the absolute fullest. I finally feel I am able to answer the question of “What would Todd want?” with something other than “To still be here.” I feel I am able to say that Todd would want us to live life, go on adventures and be happy.
I know I will see him again one day for a big cuddle but until then I am determined to do him proud and listen to his voice in my head saying,
“Well done Sis.”